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14 Reasons You Should Never Visit São Paulo

Student Work
by Marcela Faé Sep 20, 2015

1. Original Japanese food? Made by the biggest colony of Japanese people outside of Japan? Pffff… I’d rather buy my sushi at the supermarket.

2. A Serra Malte on a hot day? Enjoying some of the best bar scenes in South America? No thanks, gotta stay home and play Candy Crush.

3. Biggest and coolest museum in Brazil is in São Paulo? And it has originals from Renoir and Da Vinci? The MASP sounds like way too much to take in…

4. Mortadella? I’m a vegetarian.

…And gluten-free.

5. Yeah, I guess Sao Paulo has a ton of handcrafts, vintage items and retro vinyl — for crazy cheap. But it’s just so much easier to go to Ikea.

6. Clubbing with a bunch of beautiful people sounds awful. Definitely don’t want to go.

7. I don’t have time to go see one of the greatest parks in the world. And I don’t care if it has Oscar Niemeyer’s work all over it. No! I will never go to Ibirapuera.

8. Who cares if the ocean’s just 50 minutes away? I hate sand. Definitely don’t care about Guaruja.

9. You know why I hate São Paulo? Because there’s no end to it. Everything’s happening 24/7 — can’t a person just be bored for once?

10. And it’s so hard to get from one end to the other!

11. Why would I want to go to a city where everyone’s so entranced by its beauty all the time? I mean, if I want to fall in love, I’ll join a dating website.

12. I’d rather just drink instant coffee.

13. I’m content with my frozen pizza. I only like pepperoni anyway.

14. And yeah, that pastel thing sounds like way too many calories.

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