1. Forget introducing yourself with your name
When asking for directions, a drink or anything at all, make sure to introduce yourself as ‘alright how’s it going alright,’ for that is now your name.
2. Don’t ask for recommendations at a bar
That’s something that happens in posh places, and you don’t want to go to any of them, and good luck finding one in any case. If in any doubt, order a Brains SA Gold — you won’t regret it. If you don’t drink beer then a double vodka lemonade should satisfy the bar staff and the regulars.
3. Make sure you know how to survive the Six Nations
For every other weekend in February and March, the city becomes a living, breathing, drunken behemoth unlike anything you’ll have ever experienced, as the Six Nations rolls into town. Surviving these weekends should be a list in its own right, but summed up: Just go with it. You’ve got the rest of your life to come to terms with what you saw. France and Ireland provide the most and best fans, Italy the most attractive, Scotland the most debauched, and England the most entrenched — you might even be with one.
4. Line your belly before drinking anything
Start your boozy day by lining your belly at the New York Deli (the meatball grinder works best).
5. Always accept a challenge at pub games
If an old man in a quiet pub offers you a game of skittles, accept. You’ll be taken away to a room that almost certainly doesn’t exist for an hour that you’ll never be able to explain.
6. Don’t go to Swansea
Never admit to having been to, or have any desire to go to Swansea.
7. Remember the code word ‘Bluebirds’
If in danger shout ‘Bluebirds’ at the top of your voice. But you won’t ever feel uncomfortable because Cardiff is fantastically friendly.
8. Be old-school
Cry over the demise of the real pubs (RIP Kitty Flynn’s) and the growth of gastropubs, and swear loudly at any menu that features olives.
9. Enjoy the beautiful parks
Escape the concrete and take a timeout and stroll along the banks of the Taff in Bute Park, enjoying the flowers and sunbathing students, and stick your leg out at passing skateboarders.
10. Embrace the Chippy
At the end of the night you’ve got a big choice — Chippy Alley or No Chippy Alley. On the one hand chips and a battered sausage could soak up the booze, reducing tomorrow’s hangover, but on the other hand there’s a decent chance you’ll get food poisoning — it’s up to you.
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