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10 Things Only Texans Truly Understand

by Turner Wright Mar 24, 2017

1. All football is professional.

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From a very young age, our Texan parents took us to games and relentlessly shouted when their team wasn’t doing what they were supposed to be doing. Even in high school, Texans play football in stadiums outsiders might see as more appropriate for players paid in the millions. Homecoming mums are usually present too.

2. Handling guns.

Even if Texans don’t have a gun, chances are they spent a part of their childhood shooting skeet at summer camp or having their uncle take them out into the woods at 5 AM (…typical Texan activities sound sketchy out of context). Most Texans aren’t packing heat, but they know how to fire and respect weapons.

3. The bigger the hair, the closer to god.

This one is pretty self-explanatory. The longer or taller a Texas woman’s hair is, the more likely she attends church on a Tuesday night.

4. Tailgating.

Watching the big game on Sunday isn’t an activity Texans relegate to the inside of a house. We’ve got the parking lots, the cash to burn on grills and oversized trucks, and the appetite for some good BBQ.

5. One can never escape the heat.

In only a few months, it will be over 100 degrees. The car seat belts will burn our thighs. The Houston humidity will make it worse. Short of leaving the state, which Texans will never do, there is no escape.

6. Beyonce belongs to us.

We never forget that the queen of the US is a born and raised Texan. Her children will be our new gods.

7. Stupid lawyer commercials.

I grew up hearing “The Texas Hammer” ads in Dallas, but this one takes the cake:

8. SXSW is the best way to make money.

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People come from all over the world to perform and speak during SXSW, but Austinites understand that mid-March is the time to pay off your bills finding high-paying gigs for marketing, recording, or assisting visitors, not to mention renting out your ratty couch on Airbnb for $200/day.

9. Pickups are fashionable, not really practical.

“Built Ford tough” drives Texans’ mentality around these metallic beasts. If you’re a Texan, you probably know a close friend who has a truck if you don’t have one yourself. Unfortunately, you also know the last time that pickup bed was used was years ago.

10. Traveling within the state means packing a lunch and maybe reserving a hotel room.

Distance from Dallas to Brownsville? Eight hours if you’re lucky, and all within Texas borders. We’ve become accustomed to roadside stops like Buc-ee’s as part of any trip. My parents looked at me like I was insane when I thought about driving to South Padre Island inside of a day.

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