1. My metabolism is exactly the same as it was ten years ago.

Exactly. The Same.

2. Not spending money on things is just admitting to myself that I will never get a job that makes those things affordable to me.

Lol. Once? Every day.

3. I can totally still hang out with the person I fell in love with in college. And their spouse.

And also, their kids. Why not? I am happy with where I am in life.

4. The reason I don’t have a TV in my apartment is because I don’t want one.

Not because I watch everything on my laptop and don’t have enough friends to justify anything bigger.

5. My cooking skills are really developing.

And it isn’t that I just add extra layers of fancy cheeses to everything. I also know the right butter to buy.

6. I don’t check people out wondering if I would rather have sex with them or have them buy me food.

Sometimes I want both things. Being almost thirty, means I can multi-task.

7. I’m so good with my cousin’s kids that I should have my own. It’s time.

You there, standing on the sidewalk in the stiletto heels: have babies with me. I am ready. Okay, maybe I’m not ready for a human baby. But I can handle a dog.

8. I know where the dog is.

Dear God, am I good for anything? Why does life keeping throwing me curveballs? I’m a decent person.

9. Well, I can take care of plants, which are really the only living things my apartment is suitable for anyway.

Love me some succulents.

10. My college buddy did not seriously bring a girl with a fake ID to this bar.

Did he? He did.

11. I can change a tire, build a fire and cook a burger over charcoal.

These skills are sure to get me a better job, aren’t they dad?

12. The art on my walls isn’t just a mixture of things I stole from my parent’s garage.

I also found a lot of it on the street.

13. I will pay my taxes on time this year.

Just start prepping before April, fool.

14. I know how to choose a good wine.

Just look for the label I saw in my mom’s cupboard. It may have been cooking wine, but I liked it.

15. My twenties went by pretty fast… there is no way my thirties are going to go by even faster.

There is no freaking way life is going to speed up right when I have given up drinking on weekdays.