Photo: Maksym Fesenko/Shutterstock

24 Things You Should Never Say to a Bartender

by Melissa Allen Oct 3, 2017

We get it. Work was hell and you need a drink, stat. As bartenders, we want to help you take the edge off your day. But remember, we’re the ones providing the good stuff, so avoid saying to us:

1. “What’s your favorite drink to make?”

A Budweiser. Now, what do you really want to drink?

2. “What’s cheap?”

Way to lead with your best character trait.

3. “My phone is on 5%!”

Really not my problem.

4. “You’re telling me that no one who works here has a phone charger?”

Ah, yes, being an asshole always helps you get what you want.

5. “But seriously, my phone is gonna die.”

I cannot emphasize enough how much time I spend charging people’s phones — time I could spend making you another drink.

6. “Shake that moneymaker.”

There’s the door.

7. “What kind of bar doesn’t carry Coors Light?”

I’m sorry we don’t carry your watered-down beer of choice. I promise Bud Light will be just fine.

8. “Can I get an appletini?”

No, you can’t.

9. “Vodka soda, and make it strong.”

I can charge you twice the price for a double.

10. “Vodka soda, and make it weak.”

I can charge you the same price for half the booze.

11. “Vodka soda with THREE limes.”

I might give you four limes just to mess with you.

12. “Can you make me a fun mocktail?”

There’s nothing fun about mocktails; it’s the same amount of work for half the profit.

13. “Bartender’s choice.”

I’m happy to make you a drink, but I’m not a mind reader. At least give me a specific booze to build on.

14. “Can you turn down the music?”

No, I can’t. It’s what keeps me going.

15. “Can you play a song for me?”

No, I can’t stop making drinks for a bar of thirsty customers to fiddle with our temperamental sound system.

16. “You don’t have blue cheese-stuffed olives.”

Why would I ruin perfectly good vodka?

17. “I’ll take a beer.”

Which one? There’s a menu that lists your options.

18. “Do you make a good martini?”

No, my martini is shit. What kind of question is that?

19. “How do you think my Tinder date is going?”

Love at first sight. Another round?

20. “When can I see you on the other side of this bar?”

Has that line ever worked for anyone?

21. “I used to be a bartender.”

Translation: you want a free drink. Or to mansplain whiskey. Either way, I don’t care.

22. “It’s cool if I come in, sit at the bar, and wait for you to open, right?”

No. Those last ten minutes are vital for both setup and my sanity.

23. “Let me buy you a shot.”

I appreciate the sentiment, but I control the shots.

24. “Last call, really?”

You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.

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