1. He is either unwilling or unable to cook with anything less than a cord of wood. I don’t know which is worse.

2. On Chef’s Table, he boasted of ditching old friends he’s grown bored of — yet he still makes time for these Princess Bride boots.

3. This is the unfriending ceremony he’s so perfected. The pots are cold and empty, just like his heart.

4. He laughs in the face of aquatic safety.

5. The same goes for railroads.

6. Shovels are his spatulas. Continents, his playgrounds. We get it, you “go big” — as all men named Francis must.

7. This fish experiment isn’t gonna work, and he knows it.

8. He just couldn’t leave these poor pineapples alone.

9. He possesses a virulently unapologetic joie de vivre, has a stable of young lovers across the globe, and lives better in one afternoon than most of us do in a lifetime. And for that Francis Mallmann, we spit on you!

View 1 comment