By North American standards, a smile is a simple act of complicity. In Paris, it’s a surefire way to be labeled “crazy.”
The French aren’t known for their friendliness, their affections typically reserved for their inner circle. In fact, the city of Paris recently hired “smile ambassadors” to put tourists at ease. But if you’re feeling brave, flash a smile at the next passerby. I promise she’ll clutch her handbag a little tighter.
The moment these words leave your lips, utensils clatter to the floor, glasses shatter, other diners turn to stare. You have made the ultimate faux pas.
Wine is the subject of passionate debate in France, and complete ignorance is simply not acceptable. Learn the basics and develop a preference for Sancerre, Bourgogne, anything but the “new Beaujolais,” which is a nationwide joke.
Ah, pronunciation. Just when you think you’ve mastered a language, the slightest slip of the tongue can give you away. That pesky double s is the difference between “lowering” and “f@#king.” And let’s not forget ou versus u or ue.
Intended phrase: “I’m running late, can you nab us a spot if the lineup is huge?” Actual phrase: “I’m running late, do you mind waiting in the enormous ass?”
You’re trying to fit in, easily scaling the stairs throughout the city, just like the Parisians. Good for you! Except Abbesses is located 118 feet below ground, thanks to the hilly terrain of Montmartre. While Parisians are a particularly svelte species, even they have limits. Take the elevator. It comes every 30 seconds.
The social life of a Parisian child mirrors that of their parents. They spend their weekends at sexually explicit art exhibits, playing with neighborhood dogs at the park, or amusing themselves at wine bars while the adults catch up.
Children understand from a young age that it’s the grownups who call the shots in this world. A different approach to parenting, no doubt, but I have yet to witness a single supermarket meltdown.
A simple “Bonjour, madame/monsieur” is not only customary, it’s essential. Failure to greet the owner or salesperson is the epitome of rudeness. Not that this will guarantee great service — it won’t. But it ensures you don’t become the subject of bitchy gossip amongst the staff once you’ve left.
Waiters, hairdressers, and taxi drivers — all of these professionals earn a livable wage in Paris, and more often than not a service charge has already been added to the bill. If the service is particularly good, round up to the next euro or two. Otherwise, you’ve already paid your way.
Avoid the following at all costs: flip-flops, fanny packs (really?!), functional sneakers, sweatpants, spandex of any kind. Parisians are famous for their effortless style, and while you may never achieve such fashionable heights, do attempt to blend in. It will minimize your risk of becoming a target for pickpockets.
If there’s one universal truth about this city, it’s that Parisians cannot and do not queue. Their time is infinitely more valuable than yours. They will charge the metro doors before others can exit, unapologetically cut the line at the pharmacy, and in the case of administrative buildings, form a throbbing mass of bodies that can only be contained by police.
Either learn to play the game or accept the wait. There is no middle ground. 