1. You believe there’s no better coffee on the planet.
Our coffee is among the best and we know it. We complain about the bitter crap coffee when we travel and normally spend hours looking through Lonely Planet reviews to find that one coffeeshop which might be okay. When we finally do find that one coffeeshop on the other side of the world, we just tell the barista “I’m from Melbourne” and watch the sweat drip down their face. It’s on!
2. You hate Sydney with passion.
We will take any chance we can get to abuse Sydney — the people are snobby, it’s too expensive, it’s full of one-way streets, the roads are horrific, the food is rubbish. For your own sake, just tell us that you prefer Melbourne; you might even get a frothy (beer).
3. You think you’re cultured.
Chances are the next Melburnian you bump into has some sort of ethnic background. Hell, I do! We have streets dedicated to the Greeks, Italians, Chinese, Turkish, and Lebanese, just to mention a few. Somehow, this all of a sudden makes us cultured.
4. You believe Melbourne is the sports capital of the world…
We host one of the four tennis Grand Slams in Melbourne — the Australian Open. We host the Formula 1 Grand Prix. We have four football codes for only 4 million people. We have the best golf course in the country. We have one of the highest capacity stadiums in the world, the Melbourne Cricket Ground (MCG). We get a public holiday every year for a horse race that supposedly stops the nation, the Melbourne Cup.
Where else in the world can you get paid to get pissed , bet on horses, and have a barbecue all day for a race that lasts approximately three minutes?
If that’s not enough, we love cricket…and we actually find it entertaining.
5. …and that AFL is a religion.
The “watermelon sport,” as my dad calls it. AFL, one of the four football codes (or ‘footy’ as we call it), is what we live and breathe by. You’ll notice the different footy team colours sweeping the city every weekend, especially on Grand Final day, supporters with bucked-up teeth moaning and screaming phrases like walruses on steroids.
Here’s a tip: Insult a Collingwood supporter (team with black and white colours) and see what happens.
6. You’ve worn sunnies, thongs, a singlet, raincoat, and sweater all in a day’s work.
Ah, yes! The infamous four seasons in a day. The wind will blow your umbrella out of your hands (it’s happened to me twice), but hey, it makes the day more interesting. Just don’t bother messing with your hair. Melburnians call it “character building.”
7. You’ve had hot jam doughnuts from Queen Vic Market.
You’re not from Melbourne if:
1) You haven’t had the hot jam doughnuts from the Doughnut Van at the Queen Victoria Market that’s lined with people waiting to get their fix and 2) you don’t like or haven’t been to the Queen Victoria Market.
8. You’ve made a hook turn.
It’s simple, “You need to turn left to turn right,” as most Melburnians will yelp. We just love confusing the hell out of people.
9. You ‘simplify’ everyone’s name.
We’re too lazy to call you by your birth name. You need a nickname, and it’s generally made by ending your first or last name with an “a,” “o,” “z,” or “y,” whichever works better. For example:
Barry = Bazza
David = Davo
Teresa = Tez
Paul = Pauly
If those letters don’t work, we’ll be sure to find something for you.
And if that doesn’t confuse you, we also do it with any word possible — come to Melbs, have a barbie on a Sundy arvo, watch the footy, and have a cuppa with grans.
10. You love trams.
We have the largest network of trams in the world, and we just can’t get enough of them. We grow up getting told that Melbourne is so special and different because it has trams. We soon realise that most of the world has trams. What a surprise!
They may stop every two minutes, take an extra hour to get to your destination, and cause traffic jams, but yes, we love trams.
11. You’re a fashionista.
Like it or not, we’re into fashion in some shape or form. If you’re one of the many Melbourne hipsters, you’ll generally have one piece of clothing from a thrift shop. It’s still a fashion statement!
We’re called the fashion capital for a reason. Look at the numerous clothing stores at Chadstone Shopping Centre, Chapel Street, or Bridge Road. You’ll not find another city in Australia where people pride themselves on their image. So you’re corporate? Well, I bet you purchased that suit, shirt, and tie from Rhodes & Beckett.
The city is sprawling with chequered short-sleeve shirts, chino shorts, loafers, and of course the Blues Brothers-inspired wayfarer Ray Bans.
12. You’re a massive foodie.
We love our cafés, restaurants, and bars tucked away in countless laneways or character-filled suburbs. We know what to eat and where to eat. After all, we have the best selection of restaurants in the country and host the annual Food and Wine Festival. Just don’t expect to find us at home on a Sunday morning.
13. You’ve complained about the Myki system.
Myki, the maligned public transport ticketing system that cost over $1.5 billion of taxpayers’ money and was delayed by five years. And it still doesn’t work properly! Every Melburnian’s said “bloody Myki” at least once in their time.
14. You’ve told someone, “No dramas, mate.”
So you’ve missed your flight home: “No dramas, mate.”
So you’ve passed out on the street: “No dramas, mate.”
So you’re caught urinating in public: “No dramas, mate.”
Not much will faze us. Just relax and take it easy.
15. You’ve ended your night at the Crown Casino.
You didn’t get into a bar: casino.
You got kicked out of a bar: casino.
You’re feeling unlucky: casino.
I’m feeling lucky! CASINO!