1. Thou shalt turn thy wheels into the curb.
Aka “hill parking.” If you park on a steep hill and don’t turn your wheels into the curb, and your tinder hookup notices on returning to your car (say, from your artisanal toast date), then count on only getting to second base.
2. Thou shalt not drink bottled water.
San Francisco basically gets “Evian”-quality water piped into its sinks from a place in the Sierra Nevadas called the Hetch Hetchy Reservoir. Before the Hetch Hetchy was dammed, it was one of the most beautiful mountain valleys in the world — known by John Muir as “Yosemite’s little brother.” This means that San Francisco’s tap water kind of more resembles holy water, and not only suffices but is delicious and part of the experience of the city. So don’t go fucking up the environment by drinking bottled water.
3. Thou shalt have no other phones before the iPhone.
Unless of course you work for Google, then you’re just screwed.
4. Thou shalt “love” Fernet.
Fernet is the unofficial shot of San Francisco, and San Franciscans drink their Fernet as anyone else would drink a shot of good booze: chased down with a gulp sugary soda. Common practice is to take the shot, then in the split cringing seconds you have before you chase down the drink with a glass of ginger ale, tell everyone how much you “love” the the taste of Fernet.
5. Thou shalt not flag a cab.
Standing on the street trying to flag a cab is basically the same as going out in a pair of Z Cavariccis and a turtle neck (although in Brooklyn I imagine this might be cool by now). Anyways, whatever you’re wearing, do not stand on a corner whistling at taxis like some kind of doucher stuck in 2012. Download Uber already.
6. Thou shalt not be a Republican.
Be a communist, be a weird libertarian, even be a drug dealer. Just DON’T be a Republican. If you insist on being a Republican and being in San Francisco, avoid all areas of the city outside of your hotel room.
7. Thou shalt never socialize in the Marina.
This commandment only applies to “San Franciscans” who live outside the Marina.
8. Thou shalt never socialize outside of the Marina.
This commandment only applies to “San Franciscans” who live in the Marina.
9. Thou shalt never take the name of thy “City By The Bay” in vain.
Never speak ill of San Francisco. Like, don’t ever say that San Francisco is a “dirty city” (which it is). Like, even if there’s a homeless person in plain view defecating on the sidewalk (which there will be), say nothing. If this should happen (which it will), just do as the city’s residents do and ignore it (which they will).
Instead, comment about how beautiful the view is behind the defecating homeless person (which it will be), and then tell everyone that you still wake up every day and pinch yourself because you can’t believe you live in San Francisco.
AND THE GOLDEN RULE…
10. Thou Shalt never call it “Frisco.”
While all other commandments might change with the times, this one remains etched in sourdough for the ages. If you do slip up and call it Frisco, you’ll likely be reprimanded by someone who’s been waiting all year for this moment. The person will explain to you that San Franciscans find this perverse butchering of the name insulting and that you should call it by its full name, ya know, all four fucking syllables.
And oh yeah, this person will likely be from Boston.