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11 Fears Only Texans Understand

by Turner Wright Mar 3, 2017

1. More than an inch of ice.

Texans fear nothing, unless the temperature drops below 70. Then we lose our minds, scrambling to find appropriate clothes to wear, wondering if there’s enough sand to cover the streets, and afraid to send our children to school… they might freeze to death.

2. Losing to Oklahoma.

It’s true: the University of Oklahoma has had more than their share of victories over the Longhorns, but that doesn’t mean it gets any easier. When people from Austin drive all the way to Dallas for the weekend, they’re expecting the win.

3. Mexico reclaiming the state.

Ever since our victory at San Jacinto, many Texans are afraid Santa Anna will one day come back as a zombie and fight to annex Tejas back under Mexican rule. Why else would we stockpile so many guns?

4. Snakes.

It’s rather simple. Most schoolchildren and Boy Scouts are taught about the four different kinds of poisonous snakes in the Lone Star State: coral snakes, water moccasins, copperheads, and of course rattlesnakes.

5. People from elsewhere moving to Texas.

There’s an old (very racist) joke known among Texans, and that’s the only thing to fear is a Yankee with a Uhaul. As much as we espouse the principle “I wasn’t born in Texas, but I got here as fast as I could”, we know the born-and-raised Texans from you northerners and west coasters without a second thought.

6. Biting into the one stale tortilla chip.

It’s not always easy to spot. Might be stale enough to chip a tooth, or soft enough to spoil your meal. Either way, it’s a pain.

7. Listeria monocytogenes.

Any bacteria that has the ability to keep us from enjoying the most delicious, most fantastic ice cream Texas has every created – Blue Bell – must be feared above all else. Apparently, not everything to be feared is bigger in Texas.

8. Chuck Norris.

Fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia. Fear of Chuck Norris is called logic.

9. The line at Czech Stop Bakery.

On the one hand, you have to have those kolaches to survive the rest of the drive. On the other hand… it’s stretching across the coolers, around the jerky display, and out the door.

10. Cold tacos.

We take our Mexican food very seriously in Texas. Our chips must be crisp, our meat perfectly seasoned, and our tacos definitely kept at the right temperature. There’s no telling what Texans will do if someone lets their food get cold.

11. Leaving Texas.

Of course, we know we’ll be back someday. But the thought of leaving our home state and everything amazing inside of it is enough to petrify even most Texan among us. Where am I supposed to find an oversized belt buckle now?

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