1. You can never wear white — for reasons both practical (mud) and historical (it’s English).
Unless you’re a Jack, in which case you need to have a word with yourself…
2. Once you know someone’s nationality, you have a pretty good idea what they’re going to ask you.
If they’re English: “Do you speak Welsh? Do you like sheep?”
Answer: “Yes, your mam’s a sheep.”
If they’re Australian: “You’re shit at rugby mate?” (Upward inflection makes every Aussie sentence a question.)
Answer: “George North.”
If they’re American: “Is that in England? Do you know the Queen/Prince?”
Answer: “No and yes of course, but my pal William deserves his privacy.” (Unless they’re really attractive in which case: “I AM A BLOODY PRINCE!”)
3. Between October and March you become so hunched over to avoid the wind that when spring arrives you are six inches shorter.
This is why your older relatives are so small.
4. You assume that any long-distance train will go through fucking Shrewsbury.
And you’ve been stranded there for hours on a Sunday.
5. You have to ask “how’s it goin, alright?” four times before starting a conversation.
And you say “ta-ra” eight times when you’re ending it.
6. You don’t believe in anything, even temperature.
If the sun is out you will worship it in your shorts until it goes again. This can lead to serious problems in both very hot and very cold countries, and explains why most people who live in Death Valley, in August, are Welsh.
7. You can’t see the ‘fantasy’ element of Lord of the Rings, in fact you’re sure you’ve been to a wedding in Mordor (somewhere near Blaenau).
8. Wherever you go in the world, your first concern is the whereabouts of the local pub.
For this must be the beating heart of every community.
9. People abroad seem horrified at your drinking habits, but at home you’re considered practically tee-total.
10. You believe castles to be a total pain the arse, constantly getting in your way and causing traffic jams.
You’ll never appreciate them in other countries.
11. You compare every other mountain on earth to the height of Snowdon.
12. You judge the price of everything in pints, not pounds.
A fancy coffee that costs the same as a pint? Dim diolch, butt!
13. You say thank you to every bus driver.
Which can sometimes be a real challenge in places where life moves a bit faster — like Bristol or Delhi.
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