1. Your coworkers and family members know the exact time to come to you with requests, based on whether or not you’ve consumed your first coffee of the day.
2. You secretly have an oral fixation, and drinking coffee is the only appropriate way to satisfy that.
3. You Instagram your coffee the way people Instagram their pets.
4. You’ve stopped caring about the “quality” of your brew. You will either have one cup of the good stuff, or seven cups of the watered-down coffee you get with your morning croissant. Sometimes, you purposely opt for the latter just to take more coffee breaks.
5. Your body feels physically terrible if you forget to drink your daily brew.
6. PSYCH! You’ve never forgotten to drink coffee.
7. You drink coffee before your workout to energize you, and after to wind you down.
8. You can identify a type of coffee and where it’s grown from a single sip, and comment on its body, flavor enhancements, and other characteristics like some sort of coffee sommelier.
9. You stock up on packs of Orbitz gum and ZOOM! Teeth Whitening Groupons to maintain non-coffee-breath/stained dental hygiene.
10. Caffeine has no effect on your system. It’s like, whatever, I’m just going to be awake my whole life.
11. You secretly worry that you’ll develop ulcers from too much acid intake, and that a cup of coffee is the only thing that will calm your fears.
12. You would totally spend almost $400 to purchase this device.
13. You have a Starbucks secret menu item named after you, and it’s purchased mainly by teenage girls.
14. You’ve curated a mini-gallery showcasing your most creatively coffee-stained paperwork.
15. Coffee is the best relationship you’ve ever had; it’s there for you when you need it the most, it gets you through the day, and most importantly, IT’S HOT!
16. You attribute your best days to how much coffee you drank.
17. You blame your worst days on how much coffee you drank.
18. You’ve graduated from whipped cream-covered Frappucinos to straight up black coffee. The darker and thicker the better.
19. You roll your eyes whenever someone asks if you “like your coffee like you like your men.” But deep down inside, it’s pretty true.
20. You are personally invested in your local coffee house. As in, you bought stock in the company (or at least contributed to a Kickstarter).
21. Coffee-flavored foods are your favorite, but at the same time, feel somewhat like a farce. Coffee is a meal. At least, in your opinion.
22. You own or have owned a Keurig, a Moka pot, a Mr. Coffee, a Chemex, a coffee bean grinder, an espresso machine, a Gene Café coffee roaster, a Handpresso, a French Press, a Hario Bouno Coffee Drip Kettle, and a mug you bought from Spencer’s Gifts.
23. You drink coffee as a comfort thing. It warms your hands as you walk down the street on a cold day, soothes you after a harsh fight, and reassures that you’ll get.shit.done.
24. Fetching coffee as an intern was not a begrudging task for you.
25. If you could just marry coffee, you’d totally do it.
26. You plan your vacations around coffee. Scandinavia and Italy are your favorite choices, with Australia coming in a close second. You avoid places like China, Portugal, and India. Yeah they have Starbucks, but it’s just easier to be surrounded by coffee fiends.
27. You judge tea drinkers. It’s stupid, and totally uncalled for, but you know you do it.
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