35 things you will never hear someone from Cornwall say

1. “I could murder a Ginsters pasty.”

2. “I just love that Rick Stein has taken over Padstow.”

3. “Kernow King is shit.”

4. “I can’t go to the pub in shorts and flip-flops! I’ll go home and get changed.”

5. “I remember the whole of last year’s Mazey Day.”

6. “No, no. You put the cream on before the jam.”

7. “I love seagulls, their screeching is like a lullaby.”

8. “Nah, I’ll have a coke instead of a cider with lunch.”

9. “St. Ives is just so lovely to visit in summer.”

10. “I’m never drinking mead again.”

11. “I’m never drinking cider again.”

12. “I’m never drinking rum again.”

13. “No, I will not dress up as a pirate.”

14. “Land’s End is the best place to visit in Cornwall.”

15. “I don’t want to go to the beach again.”

16. “It’s amazing that so many people think Cornwall is great enough to buy a second home in.”

17. “We’ll definitely be able to find a parking space in:

St. Ives/
Fowey/
Mousehole/
Penzance/
Mevagissey/
Tintagel/
Boscastle/
Perranporth/
Porthtowan/
Carbis Bay/
Falmouth/
Porthlevan.”

18. “I really want to go on a night out in Newquay in August.”

19. “I have never seen the Mousehole Christmas lights.”

20. “Who is Betty Stoggs?”

21. “Flora Day is the worst day of the year.”

22. “Oh, it’s raining? That makes for a nice change.”

23. “I don’t have an opinion on whether Cornwall should be independent or not.”

24. “I don’t have an opinion on the new Asda in Hayle. Or the new Sainsbury’s in Penzance.”

25. “I hate seafood.”

26. “Storms are so boring.”

27. “How great is it that public transport here is always on time?”

28. “Let’s feed the seagulls!”

29. “Nope, I didn’t hear that gossip…”

30. “No! I will NOT day drink with you in a beer garden when it’s 30C outside!”

31. “Wait, what? We’re the poorest county in the country? Didn’t even notice.”

32. “Camborne is Cornwall’s cultural centre.”

33. “The Scillonian is the best form of transport. I just love a flat-bottomed boat on a stormy day.”

34. “Oh, you only have Rattler? No Strongbow?”

35. “I’d rather live in Devon.”