Photo: Jacob Lund/Shutterstock

What Baristas Actually Think of Your Drink Order

by Erin Easter Nov 26, 2014

You say you’re just there for the caffeine buzz, but we all know that your coffee order is the dark window to your soul. Here’s what baristas really think of your drink.

“Skinny” lattes — You live in your yoga pants, and spend way too much time on Pinterest.

Frappuccino before 8am — You’re probably on your way to your first grown-up job, wearing real shoes and pants with no spandex. Good job upgrading to adult so far. Now it’s time to switch to a respectable morning beverage.

Something off the “secret menu” — You are a 14-year-old girl with an iPhone 6 and Tory Burch shoes. Did Snapchat put you up to this?

Eggnog latte — You are a hot mess. You’re going to be the most-wasted at your company’s Christmas party.

Nonfat eggnog latte — You know this is like ordering a Super Sized Big Mac combo meal with a Diet Coke, right?

Cappuccino — You studied abroad in Italy, but didn’t actually learn anything from your experience.

Black tea — You probably studied abroad in the UK and/or have a giant crush on Benedict Cumberbatch.

Green tea frappuccino — You studied abroad in Japan, and eat sushi and watch anime porn (probably).

Soy latte — You’re super earthy, and probably a vegan. Bonus points if you brought your own cup and ask for grounds for your garden.

Latte, no foam — You’re high maintenance. You will definitely send this back at least once.

Dark roast, black — That’s sexy.

Americano — *in Ron Burgundy voice* “Hey everyone! Look how sophisticated I am!

Shot of espresso — You’re easygoing, low maintenance. Unless you knock that shit back like a shot. You were super pissed when the original Four Loko was taken off the market.

Green tea with honey — You can afford to buy all of your clothes from ModCloth, so why the fuck did you order the cheapest thing on the menu? Probably because you buy all of your clothes from ModCloth.

Espresso con panna — Are you a barista? Nobody actually orders this.

Latte with sugar-free syrup and soy milk — You think this is healthy. It is not.

Iced coffee, black — You’re super chill.

Redeye (coffee with one shot of espresso) — You had a rough night last night.

Blackeye (coffee with two shots of espresso) — You have a problem.

Two shots of espresso in a large cup of ice — You think you’re so clever, but I’m on to you. Asshole.

Smoothie — You just ran eight miles. I’d be more impressed if I wasn’t dying inside from the nasty, sweaty $5 bill you just paid with.

Mocha — You didn’t know what else to order (even though you looked at the menu for like 10 minutes while at the register, holding up the line).

Chai latte — You are on your way to yoga. At 6:30 in the morning.

Caramel frappuccino with extra whip and extra drizzle — You make poor life choices.

Pumpkin spice latte, in August — Please, tell me more about how excited you are for sweater weather.

Soy eggnog latte — Oh gawwwd. You are going to act really defensive when I tell you that the eggnog has dairy in it.

Other seasonal latte — You are most definitely going to Instagram this. I am going to spell your name wrong on purpose. #sorrynotsorry

Espresso macchiato — You are either super cool, or really annoying. There’s really no in-between.

Triple grande half-caf two-pump vanilla two-pump hazelnut half-soy half-nonfat 1.5 splenda latte — Let me guess, they always get it right at the OTHER coffee shop, don’t they?

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