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How to Confuse Someone From Birmingham, Alabama

by Anna Irving Nov 25, 2016

Ask us to explain Guin and Guin.

We don’t even know about that one. If you leave Birmingham and drive towards Memphis, you will pass two towns: Guin, and Gu-Win.  Apparently Guin, pronounced “Gyou-In,” is a bigger town, and Gu-Win, pronounced “Goo-Win” is a smaller town. Long ago, the residents of Gu-Win, originally named Ear Gap (not a joke) had concerns about being annexed into Guin. In an effort to keep its own identity, Gu-Win changed its name to that of a drive-in theater that lived between Guin and Winfield.

This is confusing for everyone involved. I need a drink after trying to explain it to you.

Ask about “The” Vulcan.

“The” Vulcan? Oh, you mean Vulcan? No “the,” just “Vulcan.” Vulcan is the #mancrushmonday for the whole city of Birmingham. He is the largest cast iron statue in the world, and he’s made his home at the top of  Red Mountain in our great city because of our history in the iron industry. Named after the Roman god of fire and forge, Vulcan stands watch over Birmingham with nothing but his hammer, spear, and scandalous outfit. If you’re lucky enough to live in Homewood, you get to enjoy a lovely view of this cutie’s behind.

Use street names instead of landmarks.

“I’m at 22nd and 4th.” Oh, you mean you’re two streets down from The Quest?

Leave your hiking boots at home if James Spann predicts snow

You’re walking home from work, bro. Even if there’s a square inch of ice on the roads, and three snow flurries in total, traffic is going to be your worst nightmare. Hope you stocked up on milk and bread.

Go to World of Beer for good drinks.

Why go to a commercialized chain when you can support a locally owned bar? If it’s the selection and fun atmosphere that you like, try The J. Clyde or Paramount instead, or visit one of our many  local breweries.

Don’t let someone merge in traffic, or fail to use your blinker.

We’re pretty civilized drivers here, and we like to be sweet to others. I mean, this isn’t Atlanta.

Get married during football season.

You know Alabama plays LSU that day?

Ask, “What’s that sound?”

Huh? Oh, bless your heart, that’s a tornado siren.

Mention driving on the “freeway.”

We don’t have “freeways,” we call it the interstate. We don’t have “highways” either.

Go to Starbucks.

Why waste your time? We have so many great coffee shops that aren’t mega chains. Instead of Starbucks, try out Urban Standard, The Red Cat, orO’Henry’s.

Order unsweet tea.

Excuse me, what? First of all, it’s just “tea.” Tea has sugar in it. It is a delicious syrupy nectar from the gods. Why would you go out of your way to order “unsweet?”  Why would you even say the word? Who are you?

Assume that Coca-Cola is the only type of “coke.”

It’s not. There’s Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb, and Pepsi, among others. Basically, any dark soft drink is coke. Sprite is still Sprite, though.

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