Photo: Jon Robson

Get absolutely shitfaced

Get off to the right start by pulling off to the side of the highway once you crest Echo Summit and do beer bongs at 9:00 o’clock in the morning. Everyone should have her own neon pink party bong. If you forgot your beer bong, you can shotgun your Keystones instead. Then go to the beach and have rum runners. After a dozen of those, you are ready to rent a motor boat or a jet ski. It doesn’t matter that you have never driven one before. Most of the sailboats will get out of your way.

Or drink beer all day long at the ski resort, making sure to throw the cans off the chairlift. Time this so that skiers are below you. Make sure you throw up in at least two public places by late afternoon. Then switch to vodka Rockstars, so you can stay up all night long. Have a party in your vacation rental and play your dubstep so loudly that it shakes the windows of my house. Then play a drinking game where everyone cheers (loudly, so they can be heard over the music) every time the loser hops out of the hot tub to make snow angels. It shouldn’t matter that you are in a residential neighborhood, and it’s a Wednesday at 4 am. You have paid good money to rent that house, and you are on vacation.

Drive dangerously close

When you drive into town, tailgate me. You have been in a long line of traffic on a single lane highway to get here, and you will probably arrive to your casino hotel room or camping spot sooner by at least three minutes if you allow exactly one inch between the front of your Hummer and the back of my car. Or, even better, drive 10 miles an hour, making sure to look at every single tree. And when you pull to the side to get a closer look at the view, don’t use your turn signal. Don’t worry about the bikers; Hummers always have the right of way.

Feed the bears

Feed our wildlife and teach your children to do the same. The ducks and geese like bubble gum. Leave your garbage out for the bears and coyotes to go through. Once the wild animals have learned they can get food from you, they will no longer be wild, and we will have to shoot them. But you will be back home by then. And you will have gotten a great picture of that bear or raccoon for your Facebook wall. Be sure to tell all your friends how you lured that baby bear, so they can get their own pictures the next time they vacation in Tahoe, though they will be taking pictures of a different bear since the bear you fed is now dead.

Leave no personal space

At the beach, plop down your family of 10 as close to me as you possibly can, preferably between me and the water. Make sure your children run across my towel, splash me, and kick sand in my face. And let them scream and chase the family of ducks. Everyone thinks your sticky-faced children are as precious as you do, especially when they give their gum to the Canada geese. And if we are in the backcountry, be sure to set up your tent right next to mine. And be sure to bring your cell phone, so you can shout into it: “Can you hear me now? What about now? How about NOW?”

Be a gaper1

When you pull up next to me at the ski resort, be sure to blast Death Metal while you are getting ready. Be sure to play it so loud that it rattles my teeth. You are just being generous, sharing your bad taste in music with everyone else. Cut lift lines, especially on a powder day in Mott Canyon; the locals won’t mind. Why should YOU have to wait?

Ski or snowboard runs that are way above your ability level and then sideslip down, either ruining the moguls (be sure to ask someone what they put under the snow to make them in the first place) or, better yet, tracking up a run of fresh powder. Or ride the backs of your skis — edging is overrated — out of control, cutting me off. Or crash into me, or better yet run over my three-year old nephew, and don’t say you are sorry. Gravity is gravity, and if you have done a good enough job getting drunk, you won’t remember it anyway.

Be a litterbug

Throw your garbage out of your car window. You have the right to a tidy Hummer. And don’t forget those cigarettes butts, too! When you go backpacking, bury your toilet paper along with your poo. That way, my dog can easily find it and bring me your poo-smeared toilet paper. Better yet, just leave your TP in a shitty little tee pee on top of your pile of poo. And camp right near a water source and bathe in it with soap, and while you are at it, wash your clothes in a river with detergent. You have a right to be clean and you should not have to comply with the rules or environmental ethics since you have hiked three whole miles.

Don’t tip

Don’t tip your bartenders, waitresses, guides, dealers, and ski instructors. Living in a beautiful place should be good enough for those people. You are not made of money. Because if you were, you would be skiing at Chamonix and not Sierra-at-Tahoe.

Start a forest fire

If tossing your cigarette butts from your car window didn’t do the trick, choose a windy August day and light a huge bonfire at your camping spot or in the backyard of your vacation rental. Make sure the fire is under a lodgepole with low hanging branches. Those signs of Smoky the Bear warning that the fire danger is EXTREME are cute and all, but they certainly don’t apply to you. You are on vacation, and you have the right to a good time.

1 A gaper is a skiier or snowboarder who is completely clueless. Usually distiungished by their bright colored clothes and a gaper gap, the gap between goggles and a helment/hat. Gapers also do the “Gaper Tuck” which is an attempt at being a ski racer by tucking, however, it is done incorrectly with the poles sticking straight up like thunderbolts and lighting, very very frightning! Gapers also sit at the bottom of jumps and try and go big off table tops in the park. ~ Urban Dictionary

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