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If America Changed Its State Capitals Based on Awesomeness

United States Humor
by Katka Lapelosová Jul 26, 2013

Atlanta, Georgia. Boston, Massachusetts. Nashville, Tennessee. These places got it right when choosing a capital to represent the entire state. Can’t say the same for most everywhere else. I think it’s time to switch things up a bit:

Albany → New York City. How is the most powerful city in the world NOT the capital of its home state? Albany’s architecture looks like a space colony that got left behind by aliens — they figured by leaving it in the middle of New York State, no one would notice.

Trenton → Atlantic City. Every state capital should have a casino. And a boardwalk. And saltwater taffy, and be the setting for Boardwalk Empire. If Chris Christie doesn’t give a shit about you, that should be a hint.

Sacramento → Los Angeles. Or San Francisco, or San Diego, or basically ANYWHERE that’s not Sacramento.

Carson City → Las Vegas. Is this a joke? I still can’t believe other cities exist in Nevada outside of Las Vegas. Unless there are hookers on the state senate, it’s time for a change y’all.

Tallahassee → Disney World. Let’s face it — that’s why people go to Florida (and Miami is too cool to deal with state drama).

Columbia → Charleston. Your state’s capital should be so gorgeous that if it were human, you’d want to have sex with it all the time. That’s what Charleston’s like — the supermodel city of the South. Columbia is an awkward concrete jungle in the middle of a cotton field and still waves the Confederate flag above its state house. Time to MOVE ON.

North Dakota → capital of South Dakota. Let’s just merge these states because two Dakotas is at least one too many.

Boise → a potato field. That’s about as much of Idaho as people want to admit to knowing. I’d be okay with having French fries serving in the Senate and a baked potato for a governor.

Lansing → Detroit. D-town needs a pick-me-up, especially since it’s filed for bankruptcy! Changing Michigan’s state capital could be just what the city needs to get itself out of the gutter.

Richmond → Williamsburg. The capital should be one of the oldest parts of the state. Hence, Williamsburg, where people like to pretend they’re still in the 1700s. Sure, Richmond has a rich history as the capital of the Confederacy, but do you really want to be known as the LOSER of the Civil War?

Springfield → Chicago. Duh.

Baton Rouge → New Orleans. When trying to relocate your seat of government, an important question to ask is, “Annually, how many people show their titties in exchange for Mardi Gras beads?” If the answer is less than 250,000, you don’t deserve to be a state capital.

Salem → Portland. The show isn’t called Salemdia.

St. Paul → Minneapolis. These two cities should tag-team it as the state capital — on odd days, it’s St. Paul. Evens get Minneapolis. If America is the parent, it’s clearly playing favorites by setting one half of the Twin Cities at a significant disadvantage.

Montpelier → Burlington. I have no idea where Montpelier is. And Vermont is not that big of a state. Wise up.

Harrisburg → Philadelphia. The g’damn Constitution was written in the city where Ben Franklin used to walk around naked and take “air baths.” Why would you choose a place people only know about because you have to drive through it to get to Hershey Park?

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