Tell us you’re from just outside of Boston.
Newsflash: Concord is not just outside of Boston. Neither is Situate. If you don’t live within a 8-mile radius of Copley Square, don’t try to pass as a trendy urbanite. That’s right, turn around, hop on the Tobin Bridge and off to Woburn you go.
Feed the ducks at the Public Garden.
You are steps away from finishing an exhausting 4-mile run from Coolidge Corner to the George Washington statue; you’re out of breath and just as you start to feel triumphant…you step on some fresh duck shit. Seriously, stop feeding the ducks.
Drive like an idiot downtown.
Running a red light at the 4-way intersection in front of TITS in Allston can be lethal. Speed like a nut on Storrow Drive and you’re screwed. Block traffic on Newbury to talk to your friend who works at Lolita, and you’re guaranteed to be insulted with quite the colorful names by angry drivers.
Don’t hold your liquor.
Most of us Bostonians either come from a long-standing Irish descent, or have gotten an unofficial drinking degree from UMass, so being sloppy at Cask’n Flaggon on a Saturday night is just inexcusable. Do us all a favor and get your drunk self an Uber.
Be an absolute savage on the T.
Monday, 8am: you feel butterflies in your stomach as you see the T approach from Harvard Ave to Packard’s Corner. Your elbows instinctively spread, as you prepare to shove the other “young professionals” out of your way and become another one of the tightly-packed sardines in the can that is the B line to Park Street. Congrats, you have officially become the most hated person on the train.
Wear a Giants hat downtown.
Come on, dude…don’t you know it’s a Pat’s world and we just live in it? If you’re gonna sport the rival team, you better seek a refuge elsewhere.
Take someone’s parking spot.
Bostonians know very well how ridiculously-scarce parking is, so stealing one’s spot is almost worse than taking their firstborn. I’m talking to you, Backbay thieves!
Hate on Keytar bear.
Frequently spotted playing his keytar downtown and on the North End at odd hours of the day, he’s the unofficial city mascot and beloved local celeb, so don’t you dare call him stupid.
Steal shovels during winter time.
This should really be declared a state crime in Massachusetts. Boston winters are harsh enough, with temperature below -10 degrees, so the least we owe each other is some solidarity to get us through the paralyzing cold. Next time someone steals my shovel from the driveway, I swear I’m calling the Sommerville cops.
Don’t clean up after your dog.
Let’s keep Boston proper. Doesn’t matter how adorable your terrier looks strutting up Beacon Hill if you don’t pick up his mess.
Bike in the wrong lane.
Oh, you’re trying to get your health on on Comm Ave? Better get your rules of traffic straight or you’ll be forced off the road by a honking, angry driver.
Shovel snow into the neighbor’s yard.
I thought we already talked about this: winter solidarity! Piling up snow from your yard to the neighbor’s will most likely result in a screaming match and a few slashed tires. Just ask the residents of Arden Street, where as the name suggests, living is quite arduous and old-fashioned neighbor brawls are not uncommon.