1. Hitchhike to town from somewhere else with ‘nothing but a guitar and a dream’ and then busk on the 16th St. Mall with a sign that says “Need my Mary Jane.”
If there were ever an argument against legalization, it’s you. Change your clothes, get a haircut, and if you really must stay, try your hand at our bubbling job market.
2. Ride our ass when we’re driving ten over in the left lane.
Look — I’m not going to get over if I’m driving faster than the traffic in the lane next me. In fact, I’ll gladly slow down.
3. Act like you’re so into Denver and know exactly what the city needs when you just moved here six months ago.
You don’t even know where the Valley Highway is, so put down the dabs and learn how to listen for a change.
4. On the same note, make a claim that Denver doesn’t have any culture, just after you decided to move here because of the lifestyle, from a place that is supposedly ‘so cultured.’
Clearly, you just don’t get the culture here. A good pair of Chacos and time spent on a crag will help you find it much faster than wearing a hat with a Colorado flag on it.
5. Talk non-stop about how many 14ers you’ve bagged and how many miles you’ve put in on the trails this summer.
Bro, no one cares, because everyone else is doing it too. The main reason why I prefer to hike 13ers instead of 14ers is because there are 99% fewer people like you on them.
6. Loudly and assertively express your opinions at Coors Field.
A few years back, a buddy of mine pulled a wad of chew out of his mouth and pelted an obnoxious Cubs fan in the face with it from ten rows back. John Elway himself never made a better throw.
7. Make fun of locals and the fact that they take pride in being a local.
You see that “No Vacancy” sticker on the back of their car? What do you think prompted that in the first place?
8. Say things like, ‘Whoa! I’ve never met anyone who was actually born here!”
Yes, you have. Every single day you interact with many of them.
9. Complain about the skyrocketing rent prices.
Why do think the rent is so high, guy who just moved here?
10. Sell your brewery to Anheuser-Busch.
The exit plan has been part of your business strategy for years, right? Better keep that deal low key if you don’t want the entire city trash talking your corporate suds. In the end, many will still drink your brew, but only after they explain that the undying itch for a solid Amber Ale struck them and despite actively looking, they just haven’t found a better one yet.
11. Don’t share the road.
This sounds like a cliché, and it is. But it’s still important. Put down the phone and watch out for bikers because they are everywhere. In the city or the hills, it doesn’t matter. Pay attention when driving.
12. Use Denver only as a port to get to the high country.
I spend as much time in the mountains as I can, but when I go out to a concert or on the odd weekend that I stay in town I always enjoy getting out into the city and checking out the scene. Even if you only spend a night here, get out and see what you can — you’ll have a good time. The traffic on I-70 isn’t going anywhere anyway so you might as well have a beer and relax.