Photo: Aaron Fulkerson

Disrespect our beaches.

San Diegans, both us rare natives and those who’ve adopted San Diego as their hometown, love the beaches here. We want to keep them beautiful and expect you to do the same. Don’t litter, don’t put out your cigarette butts in the sand for a poor seagull to pick up, don’t touch or snap selfies with the seals in the Children’s Pool (seriously, the activists will yell at you), and don’t get in the way on the Boardwalk. If you’re blessed with a Slomo sighting, get out of his way and enjoy the show. Also, be sure to get the beach names right. It’s PB and OB but if you call Mission Beach MB we’ll have no clue what you’re talking about.

Say we’re spoiled by San Diego weather.

Does mass-pandamonium erupt on the roads the few days per year when rain floods Mission Valley? Sure. Do we like our weather to hover around 75 degrees year-round? Absolutely. But that doesn’t mean we’re spoiled! We just know there’s a better life beyond snow shovels and bug spray.

Dislike our beer.

We have a strong beer culture in San Diego and, with more than 100 local breweries, we’re all about the microbrews. Don’t show up to a bar and order a Bud Light. I mean you can, but it’s no way to score points if you’re trying to impress a local. Go for an Alpine Nelson, or Belching Beaver’s Peanut Butter Stout, or one of the hundreds of other local beers that make this city the delicious, well-hydrated place it is. Bonus points if it’s in the actual brewery. Double bonus points if you bring a dog.

Suggest LA is better.

There are a lot of nasty things to be said about the over-hyped, polluted, traffic-ridden swath of Southern California that is known as LA; but I’m going to keep it classy here. Just know that if you try to argue that LA is in any way superior to San Diego, you might as well have done everything else on this list and spit on Tony Gwynn’s grave.

Reference Anchorman when you first meet us.

You’re guaranteed an eye roll if you immediately make an Anchorman reference after hearing where we’re from. This seems to happen a lot when we’re traveling outside of California, so chances are your joke isn’t new. We all know what San Diego means in German. Please don’t feel compelled to remind us.

Drive slowly in the left lanes.

We can’t really blame you for wanting to cruise around America’s Finest City but, for God’s sake, don’t do it in the fast lanes. The left lane is meant for going at least 75 and nothing less, which becomes increasingly true when you venture past El Cajon. Don’t be surprised if you’re overtaken by an East County bro in a lifted truck en route to the desert. In general, faster is better here. Unless you’re a Zonie. Then slow the F down and quit cutting us off.

And while we’re on the subject of freeways, it’s The 5, The 8, The 805 and The 163, not I-5 or just 5. Yes, we’ve seen the Saturday Night Live skit about this. No, we aren’t interested in dropping the “the”.

Claim you’ve had better Mexican food.

Unless you’re referring to food you actually ate in Mexico, you’re factually wrong. While everyone has their own favorite taco shop, we can all agree on the importance of California burritos, tacos, and the perfect guac. Mexican food quality incrementally declines the farther away you get from the border, so please don’t suggest that “Mexican food in the Bay Area is actually the best.”

Hate on SDSU.

San Diego State is a huge university and most alumni stay in the area, so Aztec pride is a big deal. If San Diegans had the power to canonize saints, Steve Fisher would be at the top of the list. But it’s not just about basketball here. Once upon a time we may have had a reputation as a party school, but SDSU has some of the best programs in the country and has produced some pretty amazing entrepreneurs, scientists and artists. Telling an SDSU grad that State is “just a party school, right?” or that our basketball team is “okay, I guess” is an easy way to piss him or her off.

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