Photo: Marko Cvetkovic/Shutterstock

42 Things an Iowan Would Never Say

by Jacqueline Kehoe Jul 22, 2015

1. Damn. Missed the subway again.

2. Ron Steele…is he a WWE wrestler?

3. I sure wish the caucuses were earlier.

4. It’s 20 below, better stay inside until the chill blows over.

5. These Maid-Rites are just too messy to eat.

6. Is it pronounced Dez Moynz? Dess Moy-nezz? Dez Mwah-nz?

7. This place would be so much better with more tofu and kale-based options.

8. I sure wish buying a home weren’t so cheap.

9. Yes, you’re right. We DO grow the best potatoes.

10. I’m not sure we can deep fry this…

11. I like the Bears, Packers, and the Vikings, why do I have to choose?

12. I bleed black, gold, and cardinal. Why do I need to pick?

13. I love other things on my sweet corn, like Hidden Valley ranch powder.

14. I’ve had better pork in Nebraska.

15. God, could traffic be any worse?

16. I’ve never been to Adventureland before. What’s it like?

17. When’s the election again?

18. Omg, drive faster, I’m in a HURRY.

19. Better board the windows, a hurricane is coming!

20. There’s just too much good sushi; I’m paralyzed by choices.

21. Do you think the Des Moines Holiday Inn has a mountain-view room?

22. Hmm, I don’t think I’ve ever seen that presidential candidate before…

23. No way, Texas beef is better.

24. Should I bring my crucifix to Devil’s backbone?

25. I’m so happy it took me six hours to shovel the driveway.

26. I’ve never had to scrape three inches of ice off my windshield before; that sounds terrible.

27. What’s a tenderloin? Do you know where I can get a good one?

28. Oh, THAT’s a tenderloin?! Can I get a smaller one, by chance? This one is the size of my face.

29. No thanks, I don’t like ranch dressing.

30. And that’s enough bacon, thank you.

31. No, I won’t help you. And I’m not sorry.

32. …I think we have enough professional sports teams, don’t you?

33. It’s not the humidity; it’s the heat.

34. I’m so surprised they’re doing summer road construction this year.

35. Allergies? What are those?

36. I wish all the big music acts would stop playing here.

37. Whoa! Angelina Jolie is hanging out at the Field House?! Again?!

38. Anybody wanna go downtown and catch the NBA game?

39. I’ve been trying to unload this beachfront property for a while, but there’s just so much competition.

40. I’d like the grits, chitlins, and okra, please.

41. You don’t have that? How about the duck confit with the lemon couscous and elderberry chutney?

42. Do you have any change for the toll road?

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