Photo: Anelo/Shutterstock

30 Signs You're Too Old to Stay in a Hostel

by Matt Hershberger Jul 8, 2014

1. You’re this fucking close to knocking on the next room’s door and telling them to keep the noise down.

2. You’d rather read your book in peace than go meet new people.

3. You wake up before noon.

4. You realize you forgot your shower sandals and consider checking out.

5. You start using the word “splurge” unironically when looking at the private rooms.

6. You like the idea of bringing just a single bag, but, seriously, you’re not wearing four pairs of underwear for the duration of the trip.

7. You have no interest in discussing the difference between a “traveler” and a “tourist.”

8. You’re beginning to develop vaguely racist opinions about Australians.

9. Your impulse at the take-a-book-leave-a-book shelf is to just burn all the goddamn copies of Shantaram.

10. Someone mentions having sex in the hammock, and instead of thinking, “How does that even work?” you think, “God, why would you even want to?”

11. “Puff puff pass” seems to be losing one or two of the puffs lately.

12. The free drink the hostel bar offers suddenly doesn’t seem all that enticing.

13. After you return, you tell people the hostel was in a “rough neighborhood.”

14. The long-term travelers you used to call vagabonds are now starting to feel a little bit more like bums.

15. Your standards for a “premium suite” don’t include a bunk bed.

16. You’re not totally sure you can make it up to the top bunk.

17. The prospect of hooking up with any of the backpackers starts to feel creepy.

18. The words “party boat” make you feel dead inside.

19. You think, “This icebreaker activity feels wildly inappropriate.”

20. “Hanging out a few days more” is absolute nonsense. You’ve got a plane to catch.

21. Just once, you check your work email.

22. You roll your eyes at anyone who says they’re “just living.”

23. You stop feeling apologetic for being an American and start feeling defensive.

24. You’re the bunkmate who’s snoring at night.

25. You can’t ask someone about their travels without sounding at least slightly condescending.

26. You check your mattress for bedbugs before sleeping in it for three nights.

27. You take the time to review the hostel online.

28. You’re not jealous of a single person in the hostel.

29. You suddenly realize, “I don’t miss college at all.”

30. Just fuck it. You’ll spend the extra cash on a hotel and work overtime for a couple weeks when you get back.

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