One man’s quest to eat as much shopping center food as possible (in one day).

Siam Paragon:

The food court here was massive, spotless and buzzing with life. I grabbed a lemon iced tea, a bbq chicken stick and a spicy chicken noodle curry (which I immediately spilled on my lap). The stalls ran the Asian gamut, from steamed buns to bird knuckle. There’s something for everyone. Might be the best in BKK. Ignore the McDonalds.

Impression: Dreamy. Mood: Homer Simpson after a beer.

MBK Center:

Known best for its 4th floor bootleg phone orgy, this is a great place to grab a coffee and watch as tourists get taken for Very Special Price. I couldn’t resist picking up a dessert that resembled a taco with white fluff and stringy squash. Delicious, despite a crunchy consistency.

I then followed employees into a tiny alcove with a vat of bubbling meat parts. I pointed. “That please.” I’m happy to pretend what I ate was chicken with rice. Woof. Ignore the Burger King.

Impression: Dizzying activity with tasty snacks. Mood: Spiked on sugar.

Siam Discovery:

This one was a bit of an up-scaler, with few food options. I did my writer’s duty and hit Starbucks, jacked myself on caffeine and scribbled bad coffee-shop verse. Overpriced muffins still taste like over-priced muffins here. Ignore the Starbucks.

Impression: Good for furniture, bad for food. Mood: Perturbed.

Siam Center:

A mall that could just as easily be in Hartford, complete with a building-wide system that blared JT bitching about having 15 minutes to save the world. I did a very brave thing and tried a green tea and grape jelly shake at Mr Shake, wishing that I hadn’t after one sip.

I hightailed up to the Food For Fun floor, preparing for (their words) a fast, funky, flirty (?) feast. Imagine my surprise when I saw that they served stewed ox genitals with chinese herbs. I could only think of one F for that – f’d up. Instead I ordered some undeniably amazing mango sticky rice. Avoid the Sizzler.

Impression: Manageable and full of options. Mood: Close to hurling.

Centralworld:

“Get yourself ready for Kiehl’s!” announced a sign at the entrance. I stopped, unsure how exactly to get myself ready for the arrival of boutique moisturizer. This mall had the best AC and I sat on a bench for thirty minutes, just soaking up the icy air.

Sadly, the food court was jammed behind frozen foods on the top floor. I instead opted for a grilled cheese at The American Restaurant, completely falling for their slogan (“Hey dude, come in and taste for yourself.”). I also have to admit that also bought a shirt at a store called Trendytown. Ignore the Dunkin Donuts.

Impression: Biggest mall I have ever seen. Mood: Fat.

The Gaysorn:

I wasn’t even hungry but I rolled myself into this place because a) it had “gay” in the name and I’m really eleven years old b) it looked pricey. Inside I found about nine people shopping. It would appear that now is not the best time to treat yourself to a Tiffany watch.

I was able to find some green tea for $3 US, hoping that it would somehow digest everything gurgling down below. It only made my gurgle more green. Ignore everything.

Impression: How could one city substantiate so much shopping? Mood: Glad to be finished.

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All Photos: Tom Gates

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