All photos: MC Lars
Consecutive hours spent driving from Brisbane to Melbourne after tropical storms canceled all Brisbane flights: 26
Hot girls from North Carolina we hung out with in Melbourne: 1
Non-annoying hot girls from North Carolina we hung out with in Melbourne: 0
Number of places we ate at that used the same wordplay in their titles that I had in demos for “This Gigantic Robot Kills”: 2
Number of monks who got drunk with us at a monastery near Melbourne: 5
Age of the oldest monk there: 92
Number of times I went to 7-Eleven for coffee: 12
How many days it took for me to learn the difference between “flat white” and “long black” coffee: 3
Number of comic book stores we went to in Melbourne that had awesome old-school Ninja Turtle toys: 2
Number of comic book stores that had the 25th anniversary re-releases: 0
How many koalas I petted at the Featherdale Wildlife Park in NSW: 3
The number of emus that tore up the cone with food for the wallabies when I was trying to feed them: 2
On a scale of 1 to 10, the determination with which DJ declared, “They can’t mess with me,” when we’d had enough of the emu terror: 7
My percentage of being Australian: 50
Distant second cousins and aunts and uncles I had dinner with in Melbourne on our night off: 11
Number of pages I got done for my graphic novel while traveling: 2
Number of pages I’ve gotten done since being back in California: .25
Number of times we listened to the new Eminem record: .5
Number of times we listened to Mewithoutyou: 7
Number of giant monuments to Australian “legend” Craig Giles in the small town of Finley: 1
Number of people in the touring party in Finley who had heard of Craig Giles: 0
Craig Giles, whoever he is.
The time I finally got to bed on our night off in Melbourne, as I listened to Bile on my iPod and wandered the streets, furious at my ex-girlfriend for something: 5
Number of times per week we ate at Subway: 4
Number of times I eat at Subway per week in the US: 1
How many times I told DJ I wasn’t going to drink at all this tour: 13
Whiskey and Cokes bought with our drink tickets at shows: 13
Number of female DJs at the Spectrum club in Sydney who had fun flirting with us: 3
Number of times I asked people about Alice Springs and was told that it was more expensive to fly there than to Asia: 5
Hours I spent watching YouTube videos about Alice Springs at our hotel when we had WiFi: 2
Number of times I’ve been to Australia: 4
How many people danced and sang with me after I played “Down Under” by Men at Work when I DJed after our Sydney club show: 8
On a scale of 1 to 10, how beautiful Australian girls are: 10
On a scale of 1 to 10, how much this second thing influences my decision to go back soon: 10
Headed down under yourself? Meet Matador’s Australia experts for insider tips, or read about the 15 things you can’t miss while you’re there.
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