1. We can learn a new language, on the cheap.
Where most people have to pay an arm and a leg for a language tutor, that’s not the case for us. Many locals are willing to teach for the right price, but even then it’s not costly. The best part? Offer us some home-cooked meals and in exchange we’ll teach you how to flirt in true Cuban/Mexican/Puerto Rican/etc. style.
If you’re a monolingual coming to live in Miami, you’ll learn real quick that doesn’t fly. Plus, everyone will know you just moved here. Us Miamians hear so many foreign tongues in one sitting that it becomes second nature to identify their country of origin. Want to learn a new language? Take your pick because we have a different one for every day of the damned week. The more languages we know, the more jobs we can handle.
2. We know how to provide for our entire families.
And I don’t just mean our brothers and sisters. However far our bloodline extends, we take care of each other. It’s common for us to live with our parents, well into adulthood, and often times our grandparents will live with us too.
Yes, it can be crowded at times, but there’s nothing better than waking up to a lively home. Café and a fresh selection of pastries is a daily ritual we enjoy together before everyone leaves for work.
Nothing is more important than family, not even our own lives. You think your family is better than ours? Not a chance because as far as Miamians are concerned, we have everyone beat on that.
3. We have complete and utter mind control.
Aside from everything being a competition, from us having the best family to who wore it best, we are always right. About everything. Why? Because if we believe it, you believe it.
Eventually we drill our ideas so far enough into your brain that you start believing we’re right all the time. Why do you think Miamians are great in sales? Our master manipulative techniques get us what we want, when we want it. Let the games begin.
4. We’ve perfected the art of drinking.
It’s completely acceptable to drink mimosas in the mornings, wine before noon, and a couple of drinks during your break at work. Let’s just say that our alcohol tolerance is so high, we can party until six in the morning and still show up to work looking sober.
5. And people watching.
Miamians can be a little obsessed with fitness. Therefore, we’ve got some of the most beautiful people you will ever meet. No, seriously. We’ve got scantily clad women and barely covered up men who walk around displaying themselves all day in South Beach. Why? Because our city is where models get discovered and porn stars reside. We have no shame when it comes to checking someone out. Men do it to women and vice versa.
Because we’re highly observant when it comes to reading body language, Miamians know when to stop. This comes in handy and prevents our face from landing into a fist. Especially when the person we’re looking at is indeed with someone else.
6. We have growing mercados in our backyards.
Why buy fruit from a supercenter when you can pick them from your own back yard? Aside from the sweat in our ass-crack and drenched shirt, our sub-tropical climate is nothing to complain about. We can grow carambola, lychee, and other fruits not grown anywhere else in the U.S.A. Not only do we save money, we profit from selling our goods at the Farmer’s Market, or on the streets.
7. We know how to negotiate.
You’re at a stoplight and someone is tapping on your window. What do you do? First off, no one panics. There’s no reason to fear, someone’s just trying to sell you something. Whether it’s a cold water bottle or flowers, we’ll pester you until you buy. Even if it means two for the price of one. Why? Because we’re selling it to you at double the price anyway and we know you’re too hot to care — or you just want us to go away.
And just when you think you’ve dodged all Miami’s street vendors, you’ve probably passed at least five fruit stands in the last two minutes. That juicy mango sure is looking good right about now, and that sweet coconut is definitely making you thirsty — but which stand are you going to go with? The one that costs you less, obviously.
Negotiating is a way of life here and a practice that has been brought over by Cubans, South Americans, Mexicans, Russians, and just about everyone else. We need thick skin to get our money’s worth in Miami. That goes for both the vendors and the buyers. If someone is at an impasse, then it’s time for one of us to give it up.
8. We can actually keep a laid-back approach.
Driving being the only exception, we let our worries wash over us and we don’t overwhelm ourselves with stress. Miamians don’t even bother to worry about punctuality. Miami Time is two to four hours behind the rest of the world, showing up early or on time is unheard of and even insulting. Unless you’re planning to sit alone for a few hours, we suggest you take a nap, get ready, take another nap, and then finish dressing up. That should do it.
9. We are superbly hospitable.
When we have guests over, we expect them to be comfortable while we wait on them hand and foot. Not only do we prepare a meal to their liking, we make sure to refill their plate at all times, and never let their drink run empty. We make enough food for guests to feed their families for a couple of days and any refusals will not be tolerated. Don’t ask why. It’s just something we learned to do since before we could walk.
Reverse the roles and we feel completely lost. When we become the guests, we have the urge to serve the plates, clean the kitchen, and try to cut our hosts work by half. The most ridiculous part? We get upset if you don’t offer to help, but the guest is still not expected to do anything. It’s a double-edged sword my friends, tread carefully.
10. And of course, we know how to move.
Miami’s known to have a killer nightlife and standing around here just isn’t an option. Not only do we hold the Ultra Festival each year, we have all kinds of clubs for different tastes. From latin clubs to jazz bars we can dance to it all. If all else fails and you have two left feet, start humping people on the dance floor. If anything, you’ll look like everyone else after they’ve had a few drinks.