Philadelphia moms are a special breed. You’ll hear them rave about the stash of lasagna they have in the freezer for you to take home or about the sandwiches they made for your Eagles tailgate. But you will never catch them saying they forgive your absence from a family party or about how nice the girl or boy from the “other” high school that you brought home is. Here are seven things you will never hear a Philly mom say.
1. “It doesn’t matter what shore town you go to.”
The conversation would go more like this: “Don’t let me catch you heading out to Atlantic City when that nice significant other of yours used to take you to Avalon. I don’t care that you’re not together anymore, why can’t you still go there?” High schools, parishes, and shore town status all matter to a Philly mom.
2. “We’ll figure out food later.”
Meals are not a relaxed subject matter. According to your Philadelphia mother, planning for the next meal is the only thing on the agenda. You could be eating and she’d still be focusing on when and what you will eat next.
3. “I don’t care where they’re from.”
When you’re talking about someone from Philly to your mom, the first things you hear are: “What parish are they from and what high school did they go to?” It doesn’t matter who it is — it could be a coworker, partner, friend, or the cashier at your local grocery — your mom needs to know what part of the city they’re from. And be prepared for a tight-lipped, won’t-meet-your-eyes attitude with an “Oh, that’s nice” if you don’t give her the answer she wants.
4. “You don’t need to worry about visiting me too much.”
I’ll just leave this one here.
5. “It takes (insert actual time) to get from here to there.”
Everything is 15 to 20 minutes away according to Philly moms. It doesn’t matter how far the place actually is or whether it is physically possible to arrive there in that timeframe, it is still 15 to 20 minutes away.
6. “We don’t need to worry about the game today.”
Your Philly mom bleeds green just like everyone else in this city. When you’re at your mom’s on Sundays, the Eagles game is on, and you better be wearing that jersey she got you for Christmas.
7. “The holidays aren’t that big of a deal.”
You will be there for every single holiday if you want to stay in your mom’s good books. And if you’re there but want to avoid the glances of contempt throughout dinner, you should also show up a few days before to help prepare — those folding tables in the garage aren’t going to set themselves, you know.