1. He prefers to ski slopes while you sip stouts.
Little baby Swedes start skiing before they utter their first ‘far,’ or ‘mor.’ He was a weathered ski instructor before his balls dropped, and the only of your friends to lose his virginity on a mountaintop. In a forest of icicles. With his damn skis on. Every time he hits the slopes, you hit the lodge for an afternoon of frosty tankards. Because life’s too short to be skiing down triple black diamonds.
2. You’ve choked down shots of Svedka that only he enjoyed.
If vodka’s supposed to be tasty on its own, why does it mix so well with everything? Most of us prefer vodka with a mixer that makes the drink taste less like vodka, while the Swede will just take straight pulls because his palette’s confused and he thinks vodka can have complex flavors.
Dude: it’s vodka. It tastes like poorly distilled Yeti saliva.
3. He considers the sauna to be a great pastime, while you consider it past time you got the fuck out of there.
Swedish folk love cranking a sauna’s heat up way past what’s necessary for a non-exercise induced sweat. You’ll never be able to sweat again after a sauna session with a Swede, and you’re still trying to get a hold of Professor Xavier to erase saggy old-man ball sacks from your memory.
4. When you complain about shorter days during winter, he reminds you it could be worse.
He grew up spending winters north of the Arctic Circle, so he has learned to live in the dark. So when you complain about the shortening of days, he’ll remind you he was ‘born in the darkness’ in a cheap, knock-off Bane from The Dark Knight Rises voice.
5. You’re useless as a wingman.
He reminds you on a day-to-day basis why people desperately bleach the bejesus out of their hair. You used to go out to bars and wingman for each other until he realized he didn’t need a wingman because girls immediately fall in love with guys that remind them of Thor.
6. You regularly argue over the practicality of a free college education.
You’ll go back and forth, pulling made-up statistics out of your ass because this is America, dammit, and we pay for our higher education here. More often than not, the civil, rational debate ends in you screaming, “Why don’t you just go back to Sweden then?”
7. When you hit him with entitled American sass, he suffers ‘Stoic Swede’ syndrome.
You’ll lash out, and he’ll shrug it off with an irritating air of not giving a fuck. He’s cool and collected way too often, and rants every once in awhile about how “American’s are always just losing their shit over pointless matters.”
Treat a stoic Swede with enough shooters of Svedka, though, and we’ll see who’s losing their shit.
8. He cooked up Swedish meatballs one time using his mother’s recipe and you’re still not over it.
You know shit’s about to get real when he starts preparing Swedish meatballs. It’s his national dish, and this ain’t his first smorgasbord. You’re pretty sure the last time you ate the meatballs, you touched God. You don’t even daydream about babes in bikinis anymore: instead, it’s all Swedish meatballs.
9. He drinks his Hefeweizen out of a giant glass boot. You drink yours from a can, because boots were made for walking.
Really man, a pint glass would suffice. This isn’t Oktoberfest.
10. He’s offended any time you mention Swedish Fish.
It’s a candy, and we know you enjoy eating them because literally everyone does, so stop complaining about it ‘being disrespectful towards Sweden’s fishing industry’ and go back to being stoic.
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