1. “Do you have a banquet room or meeting space our kids can play in?”
So basically, you want us to supervise your children so you can get wasted with the other traveling sports team parents from suburban Wisconsin. We get that you can’t accept you are now a parent and can’t party on Saturday nights, but it’s not our responsibility to entertain your kids and chase them around the hotel while you relive your glory days and get drunk as a midlife-crisis support group. It’s better to be sober, because we will call the police when your unsupervised children jump up-and-down in the elevator and break it. Get ready for $1,000 to be added to your bill.
2. “I stay here all the time.”
For some reason, people feel like if they drop this phrase, they will somehow get a goodie bag or access to the presidential suite, or some other odd reward we’re unaware of. If you have to say this, then it’s likely not the truth. It doesn’t really matter though, because we can look up how often you stay in our hotel — so if this is the third time you’ve been here and you expect red carpet treatment, don’t be disappointed when nobody bows as you walk through the lobby. The guests who really do stay at our property all the time are recognizable because they stay there all the time.
3. “Can your airport shuttle drop us off at the bar?”
Not unless you plan on drinking at the airport bar. The airport shuttle is not your personal party bus; it cannot be used because you have eight drunken friends who don’t want to pay for taxis. I’ve had guests get ridiculously irate over this fact, but I don’t take it personally because they usually get too drunk and forget about it the next day.
4. “What bars are good around here?” — followed by, “What time do you get off work?”
I get it, I’m female and you’re likely away from your wife or girlfriend for the weekend, or on a business trip and someone else is footing the bill. But not only is this a gross violation of hotel policy (we are not allowed to fraternize with guests) and extremely unprofessional (since when do hotel employees moonlight as hookers?), my paycheck does not include flirting with you and “showing you a good time.” Get over yourself.
5. “I didn’t smoke in my hotel room!”
We wouldn’t be asking and risk upsetting a guest unless we had no choice but to put the room out of order, because it needs to be deep-cleaned due to your cigarette stench. Not only are we unable to sell the room to another guest, it’s going to take extra labor to clean it. All you had to do was walk outside and you chose to be lazy, so I don’t feel bad about fining you an extra $250. Just be thankful the smoke alarm didn’t go off and cause a hotel evacuation or call the fire department in — they’re even tougher to deal with.
6. [Checks into hotel, smelling like weed] “So if we put the Do Not Disturb sign on the door, the maids won’t come in, right? And can we pay for our room in cash?”
Alright Willie Nelson, smoke out your car, not our hotel room (and the entire hotel floor). When somebody pays for a room in cash it’s a bit of a red flag anyways because there is no way for us to trace to your money or identity if anything happens (which you are well aware of, hence the sneak tactics). If your first question revolves around making sure we don’t enter your room, you’re basically marking yourself as trouble. If we do suspect you’re carrying out something shady and illegal, keep in mind that our key cards can open any room on the property, and hotel management has the right to enter and search your room without your permission.
7. “Seriously? You don’t have any rooms? Not even for a rewards member?”
There are various reasons hotel employees tell customers, “I’m sorry, but unfortunately we are sold out tonight.” We might be overbooked, we might have literally sold out, or we might remember the last time you wrecked our property and we just don’t want to service you. But ah, you’re right! I found that room we were hiding from everyone else. Now let me kick another guest out and check you in right away! We understand it’s important to take care of rewards members, but that doesn’t mean we will completely oust someone else and ruin a guest’s experience for your convenience. If a hotel manager knocked on your door and said, “I’m sorry, but because you are not one of our special clients, we are going to have to ask you to leave so we can host one of our preferred members,” how would you feel?
8. “Why do I have to show my government ID to get the government rate?”
To prevent people like you from taking advantage of a courtesy given to government employees. A man once got pissed at me because I wouldn’t honor his government rate when he couldn’t show proof he was a police officer. How many police officers do you know that don’t carry any type of identification with them, even off duty? Our policies are in place for specific reasons, if you aren’t prepared you’ll face a losing battle.
9. “It’s ridiculous that we have to pay for parking.”
This is a hotel. It’s a city and you’re in the middle of the downtown area. Would you be mad if you parked on the street at the meter and had to put coins in? Plus, if you argue you’ve stayed before and didn’t pay for parking, it’s only because parking was already prorated into the rate. So yes, you actually did pay for it.
10. “Can you bring a bucket of ice up to my room?”
We’re providing you with a comfortable place to rest while you’re away from your home. While we are happy to do everything we can to accommodate our guests, it doesn’t mean we don’t judge how lazy you are in the process. THERE’S AN ICE MACHINE ON EVERY FLOOR and if you aren’t capable of getting it yourself, you better pony up with a good tip.
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