31 Things You Will Never Hear a Clevelander Say

by Joe Baur Jul 24, 2015

1. “Who is ‘Sloopy’ and what is she hanging on to?”

2. “Everyone, quiet down! The political ads are coming on and I want to see who is approving this message…”

3. “Cedar Point is okay. More of a poor man’s Kennywood if ya ask me.”

4. “My emotions aren’t tied to the success of our sports teams. That’d be insane!”

5. “I’m perfectly content with the weather.”

6. “I’ve never been to the suburbs.”

7. “What do you mean ‘LeBron’? Is that French for ‘The Bron’ or something?”

8. “The Browns just won the Super Bowl!”

9. “I went to Kent State to get away from my high school class.”

10. “A home-cooked meal from Michael Symon? No thanks! I don’t need violent diarrhea today.”

11. “The Black Keys are really overrated.”

12. “I’m proud of my behavior on West 6th last night.”

13. “I say I live in the city, but what I really mean is Lakewood or the Heights.”

14. “When I say I can’t live in the city because of kids I may have in five years and the schools they might go to aren’t so good, what I really mean is I’m terrified of living around people who look different than me.”

15. “The Indians just won the World Series!”

16. “I’m terrified of riding the bus even though I’m statistically more likely to get killed in my car.”

17. “I’m really not in the mood for Mitchell’s tonight.”

18. “We’re so lucky to have the sun disappear for a solid four months out of the year.”

19. “I’ve never been concerned about nuclear waste while swimming in Lake Erie.”

20. “Cleveland has really taken off since gambling was legalized, just like the campaign promised!”

21. “I could walk there, maybe even take the bus… Or I could contemplate moving my car, think about where I’ll park, then drive around in rush hour traffic for about 30 minutes just to move my car a few blocks, thinking I somehow saved myself time.”

22. “I really enjoy the feeling that I have to drive everywhere. Seems economically and environmentally sustainable to me. Not to mention it’s doing wonders for my bod.”

23. “Everything the Metroparks touches goes to shit.”

24. “Don’t even get me started on Cuyahoga Valley National Park. Couldn’t they have turned it into a parking lot?”

25. “I didn’t care for snow days when I was in school.”

26. “I didn’t really have an opinion about The Avengers or Captain America taking over the city for filming.”

27. “Cleveland’s got it all. I’ve never looked at another city and thought, ‘Why can’t we have that, too?’”

28. “Edison’s Pizza? No thanks! I’ll take a Papa John’s large, please.”

29. “I understand the economic and societal costs of driving and making space for cars in an urban environment. Therefore I, as a rational human being, am okay with paying for parking.”

30. “West Side Market? …What’s that?”

31. “Those who comment on articles give me hope for the future of humanity.”

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