1. Apparently, you don’t know how to drink.
In other words, you drink too well — to excess, quickly, on an empty stomach, with the intention of getting drunk. You’ve been told this by your government, Michael Carr-Gregg, and, in particular, those loose-haired, hemp-chewing Europeans who hang outside the Victorian State Library:
“You oh-ssies don’t understand the pleasure of good food and wine. You just binge drink — in the week nothing, on the weekend everything. In Europe, we drink red wine with the evening meal. It’s normal. You know how old I was when I had my first glass of wine? 6. And you know who poured it to me? My father.”