26 signs you’ve outgrown music festivals
1. You actually want to eat breakfast. Not snort it.
2. Your LSD trip is spent happily making a Venn diagram on future life plans. In the woods, away from all music, completely alone.
3. You realize your music tastes vary greatly from the majority. You stand bewildered in the midst of an arm-swaying, eyes-closed crowd asking, “What is this shit?”
4. You no longer want to do business with the guy in patchwork velour pants. They’re hanging well below his ass. He’s itching his scalp. You can’t tell if he’s tan or dirty. No, you do not want to buy his mushroom chocolates. That he made in his kitchen. With his hands.
5. You start brainstorming ways to capitalize. How much is that kid in the Mexican blanket poncho willing to pay for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
6. You seem to be the only one here without their parents’ AMEX card.
7. You have an epiphany that all Grateful Dead music sounds the same.
8. You brought a book to catch up on during down time.
9. One night of intense partying is actually good enough. Buying a three-day ticket for $350 was maybe a little excessive.
10. You enjoy the late-night bands from the comfort of your sleeping bag.
11. You’re asked to take someone’s vital signs. They are not good.
12. You feel severely under-dressed. You didn’t know that a bindi, feathered headdress, and pleather vest were the required attire now.
13. You seem to be the only one capable of setting up a tent / making a respectable fire. Dude, that flicker of light you keep blowing on is a tad emasculating, no?
14. You’re wondering why no one wants to tour the art exhibit with you. “…Is that just someone’s drug tent?”
15. You’re perfectly content making papier-mâché masks in the family zone all day.
16. There’s no way in hell you’re going to swim in that pond.
17. You don’t see what the big deal is about glow sticks.
18. People start rolling around in mud. You’re appalled. That is manure, people.
19. You brought sunscreen.
20. You came to see a band you like. You offer no opinion on the ones you have not heard of.
21. You’re worried about contracting a UTI from the questionable foam they’re pumping into the dance tent. And from everything else. In general.
22. You see the irony in the abundance of plastic floral crowns at the “Save the Environment!” presentation.
23. You spend a lot of time wondering which country manufactured everyone’s clothes.
24. You keep hallucinating your Nana in the crowd. What is she doing over there by the hula hoops?
25. Tossing the inflatable whale around was fun the first six times. Now it is annoying.
26. It’s Sunday morning, and you are packed and absolutely ready to go.