1. Snack out of our fruit tray.
2. Rip your cocktail napkin up into tiny bits of confetti.
3. Ask for another lime wedge so it can sit on the rim of your glass un-squeezed.
4. Take up a barstool with your kid or purse.
5. Try to enter the bar before it is open, then ask: “Is it cool if I just wait?” No, no it is not.
6. Make us wait while you try and describe the drink you had last week, made by the other bartender, who was not us.
7. Demand another Long Island Iced Tea.
8. Use an extremely outdated name for an incredibly basic drink. Ordering a “Cape Cod” doesn’t make you sound like less of a vodka-cran drinker.
9. Make us sit through your own personal history lesson on the transformation of the martini.
10. Intensely watch us while we make your martini like there is something we could possibly fuck up. Insider’s tip: martinis are incredibly easy to make.
11. Order a martini without knowing what a martini actually is.
12. Assume we want to talk whiskey with you right now.
13. Ask us to YouTube the song you want to hear.
14. Debate last call with us.
15. Debate happy hour with us.
16. Assume that there is only one bartender in this establishment and ask us why we are here instead of her.
17. Chat us up in the grocery store like we’re actually friends. Something to consider: we know way more about you than you do about us.
18. Tip us in cent increments.
19. Confuse us with the hostess / barback / other bartender with brown hair.
20. Order one lemon drop, two Irish coffees, and a Guiness — then expect all that to happen very soon.
21. Order a Bloody Mary after 3PM.
22. Monopolize all of our attention with your vacation plans.
23. Come in, sit down, ask: “What’s cheap?”
25. Wave, snap, stare or puke.
26. Tell us that you are/were a bartender too — like that means anything to us.
27. Ask to charge your IPhone 5 behind the bar.
28. Attempt to order a drink from our 16-year-old busser.
29. Inform us that we have beer on our shirt.
30. Dramatically open your wallet in front of our face in an attempt to get served before the 15 other people who came in before you.
31. Believe that the (drunk) customer is always right.
32. Dip your fingers into our olive jar.
33. Clean out the contents of your wallet on the bar.
34. Grab our hand at anytime for any reason.
35. Post up on the side of the bar and block our exit.
36. Place your drink beside the coaster that we kindly provided for you.
37. Take a stack of coasters home as “mementos.” Mementos of what? Your night of kamikaze shots and drunken text messages to your mother?
38. Come in with your friend, order one drink each, then ask us to split the check between your two credit cards.
39. Order an obscure bottle of wine off of our cellar list that we have probably never looked at and didn’t even know we had.
40. Ask: “What’s on tap?” when there is a list right in front of you titled: What’s on Tap.
41. Ask us to hook you up with our pot dealer.
42. Ask us to bum a smoke from the kitchen.
43. Inform us that there are no paper towels in the men’s bathroom.
44. Accuse us of forgetting to put alcohol in your drink because you can’t taste it.
45. Accuse us of putting too much alcohol in your drink because you can taste it.
46. Send your drink back for any reason other than: “This is a martini and I ordered a whiskey sour.”
47. Freak out because we don’t stock Malibu.
48. Pout because we have Svedka instead of Stoli.
49. Get offended because we only have local beers on tap.
50. Add a “round of waters” onto your order just because.
51. Drunkenly ask us if we’re hiring.
52. Turn your nose up at the well liquor we’re putting in your Bloody Mary / Margarita / Long Island Iced Tea.
53. Ask us for a cup of coffee.