I work in a wine bar. As such, I am well versed in pretense, snide cork sniffing, and long-winded soliloquies about tannins, boutique vineyards, and oak vs. steel. Below is a list of common wines and judgments about the people that order them. In fairness, if you are polite and leave a generous tip you can order anything, even a glass of the dishwasher’s sweat, without scrutiny.
Chardonnay: You are a middle-aged woman or a bottom, possibly both.
Pinot Noir: You have seen the Paul Giamatti classic Sideways.
Merlot: You haven’t seen the Paul Giamatti classic Sideways.
Riesling: You enjoy the crisp taste of apples and alimony payments.
Biodynamic: You are a vegetarian with a deep love of astrology who may or may not recycle menstrual blood into garden fertilizer. You own at least one crystal.
Barolo: You are undeterred by price and appreciate the profound sense of belonging that organized crime provides.
Port: You own a lot of velvet.
Sauvignon Blanc: You like notes of freshly cut grass and are allergic to pubic hair. Unless you call it Sauv Blanc, then you are a person I want to punch.
Shiraz: You are fearless in the face of bold fruit and spice notes. You enjoy aromas of leather and smoke and dabble in BDSM.
White Zinfandel: You drink Mountain Dew for breakfast and might be wearing slippers.
Cabernet Sauvignon: You are patient and uncomplicated. You will argue the unsung genius of Bily Joel’s early work.
Malbec: You are easy to please, enjoy high elevations, and suffer from rare ailments related to blue-blood incest.
Gruner Veltliner: You are a free spirit dulled by a puritanical and domineering marriage. You pay cash to avoid leaving a paper trail.
Pinotage: You love dynamic hybrids, like World music and Pineapple kush.
Chenin Blanc: You love to try new things. You were an early adopter of vagazzling and jumpsuits as formal wear.
House red or white: Your lack of self-respect is evident and your acceptance of mediocrity will prevent you from ever being successful, even at buying house plants.