Photo by Fabrizio Lonzini

How to Drink Like an American

by Matt Hershberger Feb 6, 2015

Religion is off limits.

We are a very religious people, we Americans, and the last thing we want is for you to find out what we actually believe.

Politics are off limits.

You know what? It’s easier to just tell you what you can talk about: acceptable topics of conversation include sports and the weather. And be careful with the weather: it’s gotten kinda political lately.

Sports must be involved.

Real Americans — and I mean “Real Americans” in the Hulk Hogan sense, not this “technically I’m an American citizen, but I have nuanced opinions about global geopolitics” bullshit — don’t drink outside of the sporting context. Entire sporting cultures have sprung up around the American desire to drink socially. If you’re from outside America and baseball makes no sense to you, that’s because you’ve never gotten drunk on $11 beers while working your way through an entire bag of salted peanuts.

Hell, the sport of football owes its popularity exclusively to the popularity of tailgating. No one wants to watch a football game from the stands. Everyone wants to watch it from their uncle’s RV while getting hammered and playing cornhole. Regardless of what context you are drinking in, though, sports must be on in the background, no matter how little you care about the match in question. And god help you if you think soccer counts as a sport*.

*The exception to this rule is during the group round of the World Cup. After that — i.e. when America’s been knocked out — it stops being a sport and returns to being a communist attempt at ruining everything that’s right in the world.

Blast that music.

You might be wondering, “What do Americans do if they can only talk about sports and weather while they drink?” The answer is that they shout, “WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” over the too-loud music. Unlike many other countries, Americans despise drinking venues where you can hear another person speak. Americans aren’t speakers. They’re doers. So bob your head along to the music and do that shot.

Drink and drive.

We don’t do public transportation in America. We know that anything with the word “public” before it is basically socialism trying to Trojan Horse it’s way into our culture, so, like public health and public theater, we shun the concept of subways and busses except in the case of a few of our larger cities.

This means you’re going to have to either take an extremely expensive cab home (nope), find a designated driver (not happening), or drive home drunk. Americans self-report driving drunk 112 million times over the course of the year, and yes, it’s a danger to ourselves and to other human lives, but remember: better thousands of DUI deaths a year than allowing socialism to creep into our transportation systems

Stick to beer.

Americans are okay with you drinking hard booze — particularly if it’s bourbon or moonshine — and will tolerate you drinking wine if you’re a woman, but would much prefer that you stick to watery light beers. As Budweiser, the most American of beers recently pointed out in their Super Bowl commercial, drinking tasty beer is for pussies, but if you have to drink a craft beer, drink something with toxic levels of hops.

Eat like a drunk should eat.

When people condemn American cuisine, they rarely understand that, to be appreciated, American cuisine must be viewed through beer goggles. American food is drunk food, in terms of greasiness, in terms of portion size, and in terms of tastebud-zapping deliciousness. The horrible feeling you get after eating greasy, fatty American food is your own fault — if you’d done it right, you would be attributing that feeling to a hangover instead. If you aren’t eating while drinking, you aren’t doing it right.

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