1. “Well, bless your heart.”
I don’t want to hurt your feelings regardless of your idiotic decision-making skills, so here’s an insult dripping in Southern charm.
2. “You’re such a peach.”
And by peach, I mean bitch.
3. “Do go on.”
Please, continue comparing my accent to Forrest Gump’s and Keanu Reeves’ from The Devil’s Advocate. I beg you.
4. “I’m so mad, I could spit nails.”
Preferably in the direction of your eyes.
5. “You’re just dumber than a sack of rocks, aren’t you?”
You assume that all Tennesseans have a huge hard on for Country music, rebel flags, and a closet full of camo? You must be a bona fide dumbass.
6. “I’m fixin’ to fly off the handle.”
Consider this fair warning that I’m about to lose my everloving shit.
7. “God love ‘em.”
Because no one else can.
8. “You’re like a bump on a log.”
Believe it or not, you’re more useless than someone who’s dumber than a sack of rocks.
9. “Why don’t you stick it where the sun don’t shine?”
Take that ill-conceived opinion that you pat yourself on the back over and shove it right up your ass.
10. “Don’t get my feathers ruffled.”
Make fun of us one more time for how we can’t drive in the snow. I dare you.
11. “You’re nothing but a snake in the grass.”
You’re shady, sketchy, sheisty, and I trust you just about as much as I would a barefaced liar.
12. “I’m getting the short end of the stick.”
No, you’re fine! Even though I’ve worked 9 days straight with a broken thumb, I’ll totally cover your Saturday night shift so you can cater your cousin’s dog’s wedding!
13. “You could start an argument in an empty house.”
So you like to play the devil’s advocate? Are you sure you’re not just a naysaying asshole?
14. “Your eyes are turning brown.”
Probably because you’re so full of shit.
15. “Your nose is so stuck up, you’d drown if it rained.”
A common insult used to describe someone who ‘can’t even’ when dealing with a misspelled name on her grande Tiramisu Frappuccino from Starbucks, a catastrophic event that she’ll undoubtedly Instagram the second she gets back into her BMW with monogrammed, curly initials plastered across the back window.
16. “I’ll pray for you.”