1. “Please don’t become a stripper.”
With all due respect to the strippers of the world, who have found a way to monetize slack-jawed slobbering — and overcome all internal sense of revulsion to make a pretty damn good living.
That said, no one actually wants their child, female or male, to become a stripper. That’s not something that’s on any parents’ wish list for their child’s future career. “Melissa is so smart, she could be a lawyer or a doctor one day, or change her name to a that of a flower, tree, mineral, philosophical concept or moral virtue, animal, color, city, or celestial body and gyrate in a metallic spandex thong in front of sad, inebriated strangers for money until she hits age 28 and is considered too old for the job.”
Even the pervy men who frequent strip clubs wouldn’t want their own daughters working in one.
This is true in every city, but especially so in Las Vegas, which is arguably the strip club capital of the world. While “Please don’t become a stripper,” is a perfectly valid thing for a Minneapolis or Providence mom to say, for a Las Vegas mom it’s so much more real.
2. “The high is only 75 today, make sure you bring a jacket!”
Look, when you’ve lived through five solid months of triple-digit temps, other people’s 75-degree “summer weather” is your winter. For us, 75 degrees is objectively cold.
3. “I got these cute new Raiders jerseys for all of us to wear when we go to the new stadium!”
Yes, the Raiders are moving to Las Vegas, and even though the move won’t even be complete until 2019, we are losing what was left of our collective minds over it. Casino billboards are already welcoming the team and its fans, and stores are already selling non-Oakland-branded “Raiders” merchandize (presumably until Vegas-branded merch gets NFL approval). Make no mistake: the Raiders move is the biggest thing to happen in Vegas since Bugsy Siegel.
4. “Be careful driving, it’s monsoon season!”
Las Vegas is in the middle of the desert so it’s super-dry here all the time, right? WRONG. The summer months are what we call “monsoon” season, and if you think the use of the word “monsoon” is an exaggeration, please view this video of the parking garage at The LINQ being totally flooded out and gushing water like the Bellagio fountains. Which happens every single time we get heavy rain here.
5. “We’re just so proud of our Mark, he just graduated top of his class in his Hospitality Management program!”
The University of Nevada, Las Vegas is, first of all, a much more academically rigorous school than it is ever given any credit for simply because it’s located in Las Vegas, so check yourself on that. And, second of all, because this is still Vegas, it also has the top-ranked program for Hospitality and Leisure Management in the world. Some cities train scientists. We train VIP hosts.
6. “Let’s drive to the top of the South Point parking garage to see the eclipse/meteor shower/full moon/fireworks!”
In Las Vegas, you can view celestial events and man-made explosions from the top of a mountain, or you can just drive to the top of the nearest casino resort’s parking garage. Either way. Fun (kinda) fact: the downtown bar Atomic Liquors is so named because people used to stand on the roof and watch the mushroom clouds from the atomic bomb tests in the nearby desert north of Las Vegas.
7. “Did you hear the new casino is hiring?”
In Las Vegas, there is always a new casino and it is always hiring. It can be a mom’s job to make sure that her child is always happily and gainfully employed, so every time a casino job fair is announced, she is going to share that information. Even if her child is a lawyer or accountant. Which they probably aren’t, because Vegas.