11 Ways to Insult a Philadelphian

2. Question Wawa’s greatness.

Don’t go around the city claiming that 7-Eleven or Sheetz is just as good as Wawa. If you know not of what you speak, do not speak it. So sayeth Philadelphia.

3. Compare us to another city.

We’re not New York and we don’t want to be. We don’t aspire to be DC or Boston. We are proud of who we are and where we live because Philly is a remarkable city.

4. Be a Cowboys fan.

The team you root for is so odious that your very fandom is an insult to us all. Be gone with you.

5. Insist that Pat’s and Geno’s have the best steaks in the city.

Pat’s and Geno’s will always be a thorn in our side. Yes, there will be the friends and relatives who beg to go there. And then there are those who, with zero knowledge of great cheesesteaks, insist that Pat’s and Geno’s serve the best steaks in the city. It would be funny if it weren’t so sacrilegious.

6. Suggest that Hostess snack cakes are better than Tastykakes.

It’s unclear why this inferior brand is even sold in Philly. Anyone who has bitten into a Butterscotch Krimpet or Tandy Kake knows that they are beyond comparison.

7. Insist that the proper name for water ice is Italian ice.

Sure, the full chain name is Rita’s Italian Ice. But don’t you call it Italian ice in these parts. Wooder ice it is!

8. Have an inability to parallel park.

Our streets are narrow and parking is at a premium anywhere you go in the city; therefore, wise parking decisions at all times are critical. Your car must take up as little room as possible so that others can get by and park near you. Don’t park a mile from the curb. Don’t leave a mile between your car and the car in front of you. If you can’t maneuver your car, find a parking garage or take SEPTA.

9. Speak ill of soft pretzels.

This one is theoretical because who on this planet has something bad to say about a soft pretzel? But if you dare try it, it won’t go well for you.

10. Come for Gritty.

Fine. We didn’t love him at first. But then youse guys said you didn’t like him. So we banded together to protect our own.

11. Have a house with a garage.

Your garage means that you have rendered a perfectly good parking spot invalid, which is an insult to our way of life. Go live in the suburbs where you belong.